The Story of Who I Am; what’s your story?

The moment I started to ask the hard questions it is as if I was playing with a set of Matryoshka doll.  I suppose there are some questions that aren’t meant to be asked unless you are willing to go all the way. It all starts innocently enough.

“Who am I?”

The answers come pouring in; I am a male of a certain age, a certain height, with certain preferences gone through these experiences and a whole list of anecdotes. None of these really answer the question of who I am. They are just a story that I identify with and it’s a nice story for the most part.

The real essence of who I really am is a most elusive question. The more I ask the more I find out what I am not. I identify less and less with this nicely crafted story that was once unshakable. I can change my thoughts, views about the world, preferences and experiences if I like, or life can do it for me. This leads me to believe that this elaborate story has no legs to stand on as it were.

I’ve hit a dead end.

The only thing I can say I know with a fair amount of certainty is I am not the story. There is a lot more to me than any number of words, thoughts and experiences I could weave together.

We use our life experiences, biases, culture and all these abstract concepts to form an identity. There is nothing wrong with having an identity except this it isn’t always self serving. In fact, a lot of time it is self defeating and that’s when you get into all kinds of shenanigans trying to improve or change yourself. The more I  think about it, the more I feel that there is nothing really fundamentally wrong with me that I need to change. Sure I could make better choices, put in more effort, wake up earlier and so on but that’s just editing the story. It’s not quite change in the same way as literally getting a new head.

An existential crisis is difficult business with more questions than answers. I can grasp, at least intellectually, that there is more to me than a biography or description. I feel like my puzzle box of life came with a few pieces missing and without them the puzzle doesn’t quite add up.

I suppose I miss the days when I had firm ground to stand on. I wasn’t always happy with who I thought I was but at least I knew myself (or what I thought was me).  Right now it feels like my identity slowly eroding and the weird thing is I really don’t care.

I guess the bottom line is any idea I have of myself is a story. Until I get the missing part and I can say “This is who I am”, I have the freedom to play around with my story. I can write it as I like, delete what doesn’t serve me and for the most part make sure that it is a story I am happy with.

How Useful Is Your Mind Really?

It is difficult to downplay the usefulness of the mind even from an evolutionary perspective. The mind has allowed us to get this far in life as the human race and has helped to create everything that is part of the civilized world.

We have come so far though that I can’t help but think the mind isn’t as useful as it once was. It was probably very useful for navigating the wilderness so you don’t get picked up by a giant eagle like beloved Cousin Jimmy but not so much today when your odds of staying alive for the next hour are pretty good.

The problem is my mind is always ‘ON’

There is incessant mind chatter even while doing the most menial tasks that requires no brainpower whatsoever;

Like washing my hands

This leads me to believe that I am not getting a good return on my investment. The mind is a problem solving tool no doubt but considering how often mine works, I should have figured out a way to build a holiday home on the sun.

When it comes down to it, the mind if untamed gets in the way of everything. It creates scenarios that have no bearing on what is currently happening, solves these scenarios only to build new ones and on and on it goes. It seems that there is no reprieve from thoughts, images, and words which to be honest are mostly useless.

I guess I’d prefer it if the mind was like my kidneys, or a lung. You know it’s there and working properly (it will be pretty obvious if it is not) but it doesn’t really get in the way of anything. You go about your day not once hearing a peep out of your liver. I think I’d be much happier if the mind was the same way, only working to control the vital operations of the body but otherwise quiet until it is called upon.

I’m trying with some considerable success to quiet the mind and use it only for the intended purpose and then shelve it until the next time I need it. It is not always easy. Like a naughty child, the mind is always up to some mischief if you take your eyes off it for a single moment. In an ideal world, my mind would be as still as a bucket of water. I would say to it;

“Ok, now we need to plan for the day. We shall do X, Y and Z. Now go back and I’ll call you when I need you.”

A lot of stuff that goes on in the mind is basically useless for day-to-day operations. Once you have set up the plan and the action steps you need to take, there really isn’t much thinking needed. Yet it is only on very few occasions you might find your mind quiet as you get on with your task. In this case, you would be in a constant state of Flow; when you are so engrossed in the task at hand that you lose all sense of where you are, what time it is or what is happening around you.

Shenanigans of the mind aside, it isn’t all bad. The mind offers on-demand entertainment anytime anywhere. You can create the most dramatic, beautiful, adventurous story you like and you are the hero. You could be the villain it is your story after all but the point is that escape from reality or boredom is only a thought away. Rather than use your downtime coming up with scenarios where everything falls apart or you are met with some misfortune or another, that time would be better spent dreaming up all the ways things could actually go right.

Its delusion, sure, but you don’t know the future. Anything could happen, good or bad, so if it’s 50-50 why not prefer the good?

I’m trying to reduce the number of active mind hours. It’s a refreshing break and I’ve gotten a lot better with practice. It seems a lot like the endless chatter is solving some kind of problem or preempting a course of action against some impending disaster. Experience tells a whole other story; hardly any of the worst-case-scenarios I have ever dreamed up have actually happened.

I have realized that the mind is indeed very useful; but only for some things.

Change Your Life… Along With Yourself

Making changes in your life is commendable. I think deciding to discard the old ways and creating a brand new life is the best expression of free will. We all choose the life we live whether we like to admit it or not and like Earl Nightingale said;

“We are all self-made, but only the successful will admit it.”

Personal development is exciting and deeply rewarding. You begin to see yourself doing things that you never thought you were capable of doing. You were never a morning person but the sun no longer catches you in bed. You used to procrastinate but now you are aggressive about taking action.

You are Ali in his prime.

It’s all exciting until you hit a brick wall. Why?

It’s because you haven’t made the mental transition from the old life to the new one. You are using the old map to navigate a Brave New World. You are Columbus using the map of the Republic of Genoa to discover a route to India.

New Routes, New Map

Life is a bunch of small and big happenings that form our reference points for every new event. Truth be told, nothing completely new ever happens. We simply draw from past, related events to make sense of what is currently happening. This process is so subtle that you don’t even realize that it is going on.

There is a tendency to draw from past experiences which didn’t serve you in the first place to taint and defile new experiences.

You may think more money is the answer to your current problems. So you work hard and get that promotion, or get that business running. As soon as the money starts pouring in, you are just as unsatisfied and restless as you were in the beginning of the journey. You problems haven’t really changed.

At first you were worried about not having enough money but now you are worried about losing it. The point is you are still worried about money.

Rather than enjoy the new milestone which was once just a dream, you are just unsatisfied as you were in the beginning.

This problem permeates every new area of your life. Every new job, relationship, experience, everything will be just as empty as the old life you left behind.

Personal development is all about changing your world but it should begin from the inside out. If you work hard to meet your career goals, but deep inside you are still identify yourself as an underachiever, you begin to feel like this new found success is only temporary. Many successful people feel like frauds.

It’s been called the imposter syndrome.

There are few things in life more tragic than reaching your goals after much fighting and clawing only to feel dissatisfied. What was once an ideal has now become a burden and it’s easy to lose motivation to continue improving yourself. Either that or you live in perpetual fear that what you have achieved so far is only temporary or feel like you don’t truly deserve all the new and great things that are happening in your life.

Change the Man Along With the Life

I suggest you begin to take each day as new. The experiences of each day of your journey should map the reference points for the future. That day that you didn’t procrastinate should prove to you that you are the type of person who makes things happen.

It’s exciting to see yourself doing things that you never thought you could do so don’t let it go to waste. Use these experiences as your new skin into which you pour your new wine.

And as for the old skin, discard it along with the old wine.

Changing your life must go hand in hand with changing yourself. That means discarding all the old road maps that no longer matter or speak to who you are and new journey. Appreciate every single day that you make progress and learn from the days you didn’t.

Changing your life literally means morphing into a brand new person until the old person becomes a figment of your imagination; a bad dream that you awoke from a long time ago.

 

 

Thank God I’m Not in Bastogne

If the title sounds vaguely familiar, it’s probably because you have watched the miniseries Band of Brothers. The series follows the heroic exploits of Easy Company through Europe during the Second World War.

The battle for Bastogne is arguably the most dramatic part of the series. Easy company found itself lost in the forest in harsh winter, low on supplies and ammunition, no air cover, constant barrage of enemy shells, no reinforcements and facing a desperate German counter-attack. Suffice to say the odds weren’t in favor of Easy Company.

The series includes recounting of events from real-life veterans of the war. I watched the series almost 5 years ago but something one of the vets (who one of the characters is based on) said has stuck with me to date.

“When the night is especially freezing (and you can ask my wife) I still say: ‘Thank God I’m not in Bastogne.‘”

Remember Bastogne

I have never been in a position as desperate as a full on combat situation but I have learned through experience that no small battles are fought in the mind.

I suppose we have all had our Bastogne moments. That time you were broke and jobless and never thought you’d ever find employment again. Maybe you lost a loved one and you thought the grief would kill you too. Maybe you fought depression and half-wished you would just quietly die in the night so the suffering would end.

Or it could be the time you second guessed yourself on everything and just couldn’t get anything right.

As much as we like to pretend that all is fine and dandy, I think everyone has been to a dark place that they never thought they would ever get out of.

Sometimes in life you can feel stuck and forget all the other times you got yourself out of an especially difficult position. It is easy to forget an old open wound across your chest once it has healed and the cicatrix has formed. You stop seeing your scar of victory and conquest in the mirror and now you whine and cry about razor bumps and paper cuts.

Sometimes it’s necessary to remember our darkest moments if only to gain some perspective. Things could get worse and often times they have.

Going back to that scary, dark place might be what you need to give you hope that you will overcome whatever you are going through right now. That place you hope never to return might be what you need to get you through this difficult patch, and remind you that you have been through worse and somehow came out the other end.

So the next time you are feeling stuck, remember Bastogne, and say to yourself;

‘Thank God I’m not in Bastogne’

 

Never Mind Certainty and Just Do It!

One of the hardest truths to accept is that there is no certainty. There are no guarantees in life. The problem is we only apply this fact when it’s convenient. There is no guarantee that I will wake up tomorrow yet I plan the next day out as if it were certain. The idea that I might not wake up tomorrow quite literally never occurs to me.

I am yet to put ‘Dying’ on my next day’s to-do list. Planning for the next day, even the next year is a small matter.

The inconsistency here is I don’t find myself applying the same level of certainty to the small things. I want to be absolutely certain that whatever I do today will count for something. I believe that this quest for certainty is the root of all procrastination.

If I had a guarantee that what I do today draws me closer to achieving my goal I would have no qualms about hauling ass and just doing it. The problem is there is no such guarantee. There are no guarantees that if I discipline myself to wake up early every morning and put in the work, something good eventually come out of it.

Uncertainty might be the reason why is so difficult to follow through on plans. It feels great planning a-b-c-d to do tomorrow. It’s even easier to dismiss the plans when the alarm goes off and it’s game time. Why? Because there is a very good chance that you could be wasting your time.

The first time I heard about the analogy of the Chinese bamboo tree was a kind of AHA! moment for me.

You see, the seed (more accurately a nut) is planted and tended for at least 5 years before you even see a shoot. You water it, fertilize it and do all the things you’re supposed to do with a plant consistently for 5 years.

There is no shoot, no sign of life, nothing. You have to trust that all the effort you are putting  is going to pay off. At the 5 year mark, the seed finally sprouts and the tree grows 80 feet in six weeks.

Sometimes I wish it were possible to fast-forward to the future. Then I can see whether the work I put in today even matters, then I can go back to the present and adjust my plans accordingly.

A Fools Errand

You need a good reason to put in the work despite the uncertainty. I suggest coming up with a good theory to protect your mind from wondering whether you are on a fool’s errand. The moment you start to seriously consider this possibility is the moment your dream begins to wither.

The best I have come with so far is this;

The only place I am truly headed is the grave. How I spend my days between now and then is a small matter in the grand scheme of things.

Meanwhile there is work to do. Take  stock of the small wins along the way to maintain your sanity. It’s what drives you when things don’t seem to be working out.

There is something to be said about waking up every day to put in work that you aren’t even sure leads anywhere. There is something noble about persisting despite the dark cloud of uncertainty hanging over your head.

You get to go to bed saying “I did the thing that was asked of me, and for that I am proud”.  This feeling cannot be had any other way, and cannot be taken from you.

Not even by failure.

Every day you get a small taste of success. Because what is success other than setting out to do something and actually accomplishing it.

Waiting for certainty is a dangerous game because you will never see a clear path to your goal. Waiting for certainty is the true fool’s errand.

To stay true to the course even when things don’t seem to be paying off takes true courage. Taking a risk to look stupid, doing the thing that you don’t want to do, now that’s what living is all about.

What’s your fool’s errand?

The Devil’s Guide to Nairobi

FAQ’s on Religion

Which is The Right Religion for Me?

Religion is not a lost charger that needs to be found. Think of a new cell phone that comes pre-installed with Android OS. Religion is very much the same thing. You come pre-installed with religion.

Count yourself lucky because you are among the chosen few who are born into the right religion. You may notice that those around you such as your parents and siblings share the same religion as you. This factor is merely a coincidence. Do not read too much into it. You are but one in a long line of chosen ones.

Can I Change Religion?

Yes. Unfortunately, some people are born to the wrong religion. Spirituality is a simply a currency that you use to get the things you want in life. If you are good for example, you get something nice in return such as a spouse, good health and lots of money.

It is the rule. It may sometimes happen that you have been good but you are still not getting the thing you want most. Such a scenario indicates that there is something fundamentally wrong with your religion and it is time to switch, preferably to one with evidence of ROI.

Should I Defend My Religion?

Defend your religion with your life. People will try to provoke you by talking about their different religious beliefs. These are your mortal enemies working in cahoots with dark forces to extinguish your religion. It is your earthly duty to defend your religion from perversion. Some of the tools that you have in your arsenal include threatening eternal damnation, making inferences to the opponents’ intellect, and if all fails; breaking down into feverish and tearful prayer.

Should I Try to Convert Others?

Apart from defending your religion from destruction, your second most important duty is to convert others to the truth. Your religion is the only true one so anyone who practices anything different is a heathen who should be saved. Some of these heathens are crafty and may try to confuse you by quoting the same religious book that you read from or by praying to the same deity that you do. Keep in mind that as long as a person does not attend your specific place of worship; he is still a lost sheep who needs saving.

How do I go About My Duty to Convert Others?

Religion reigns supreme so all you need to do is approach the lost soul and engage him in conversation. There is no right or wrong place to gather lost souls. He will drop everything he is doing because your message is the most important thing in the world. He will even appreciate the interruption.

You may notice the lost soul’s initial resistance to your message which may manifest in the form of yawning or lack of interest. This resistance is your cue to push harder. The lost soul is simply embarrassed to tell you to carry on, or is confused about his religious beliefs. Souls can always be converted; some just take a little more time than others.

How Do I Show Commitment to My Religion?

We have already covered defending your religion with your life and converting lost souls. Religion is to be worn on the sleeves. This strategy is so that anyone you encounter is not confused by your religious orientation lest they try to confuse you with small talk and impractical matters such as the state of the economy.

A great way to show commitment to your cause is to talk about it constantly. Any topic that does not specifically concern your religion is not worth discussing further. With a little practice, you can always bring the conversation around to religion regardless of where it started. Do not be frustrated when people try to talk to you about things other than your faith. They are lost souls who do not know any better.

Finally, you can show your religious valor by carrying objects that allude to your spiritual maturity and prowess such as religious texts, symbols and special clothing.

Perhaps God Was Done With Me a Long Time Ago

“God is not a cosmic bellboy for whom we can press a button to get things done” – Harry Emerson Fosdick

I am beginning to entertain the idea that maybe God isn’t like Santa after all. It’s starting to dawn on me that maybe I shouldn’t continue to sit on his lap, whisper my Christmas list in His ear and promise to be good meanwhile.

It troubles me to think that maybe God was done with me at creation. For all I know He furnished me with everything that I would need even before I knew what I needed, and He still on his seventh day, resting.

Maybe God put me in this new house that I call my body and made sure that I’d have every single thing I need to call this place home. I have gotten so wrapped up with the furniture and the lights and the plumbing and crockery that I forgot to explore the rest of the house.

Maybe it’s time to get off my knees and wade through the clutter to discover that there are parts of house that I neglected to discover. Possibly there is a basement and an attic that I never bothered to look.

I suspect that I might have to search my pockets for the keys to the basement. Of course I have to get over my fear of the dark and make my way to the depths of my house with only a torch. The lights there probably don’t work. Down in the dark and musty air I might be amazed to find boxes upon boxes of neatly wrapped presents.

House Full of Goodies

Once I dust off the boxes, therein I might find courage, persistence, love, purpose, patience and all the things that I never thought I had. The elation will be short lived as there is more house to explore. Maybe there is an attic!

I might have to stack chairs to get to the attic. Or maybe use a ladder. I might have to buy a ladder.

Anyway, once I get to the attic, I might be surprised to find yet more boxes or goodies lying there, stacked one on top of the other, gathering dust. Again, I dust off the boxes and open them to find more gifts. Good sense here, wisdom there, strategy in another box, maybe even a plan!

Everything I need to make life not just tolerable, but amazing. I might find that, after all, I do have everything that I need to call this place home.

I suspect that finding the gifts is just one part of the adventure. Next I must figure out what to do with them. I may have a brand new corkscrew but if I’m using it to change TV channels I might as well not have it.

The next part is to figure out what to use for which purpose. That part can’t be too hard. Hopefully amid the excitement I’ll take some time off to thank God for all the gifts. I won’t complain that I had to look for them myself. It would have been a lot easier if I’d gotten a map of the house, and the all gifts came with a user’s manual attached. But where is the fun in that?

For now it’s just a suspicion. Maybe it’s just my imagination; I do have a wild imagination. Anyway, I’m off to explore. I’ll let you know how it goes…

Keep Waiting for Inspiration; But Know It Won’t Come

“Don’t loaf and invite inspiration; light out after it with a club, and if you don’t get it you will nonetheless get something that looks remarkably like it.” – Jack London

Ah, Inspiration; the magic word! I waited a long time for inspiration to get my affairs in order. I patiently waited for that spark of brilliance so I could start chasing my dream. You see, I viewed inspiration with the idealistic eyes through which I imagine a mother beholds her new born.

For the rest of us, the child is a slimy creature that only closely resembles a human. To the mother on the other hand, the newborn is the most beautiful thing in the world. Because of my idealizing inspiration I watched as the years swooshed by while I sat on my ass waiting to be struck by a bolt of genius.

If inspiration were a man, here is how I imagined him;

He would come in a slick business suit and a thick accent that you can’t quite place. He would walk in with decided steps exuding an aura of competence and all-knowing. He would say

“Son, I have come to help you get your affairs in order. I have all the answers. Here is what you must do. First, wake up before dawn…you know what; you look tired. Why don’t you sit in that chair in the corner over there.”

“I will take off my coat, fold up my sleeves and you can watch me work. It’s gong to be great. On second thought, you look terrible. Why don’t you lie down? Why don’t close your eyes and have a rest? I will wake you when it is done, and you can live happily ever after.”

Well, when the scales of naivety fell from my eyes I was confronted by the stark reality that I would be waiting a long time for inspiration to do what I’m supposed to do. I had to fold my own sleeves and rely on my own shoulders to do the heavy lifting.

Soon though, I began to encounter inspiration. I have seen him with my own eyes and I can tell you he doesn’t come in a business suit and sleek talk and an aura of confidence. You see, Inspiration is a master of disguise. I have seen him many times since and he rarely ever looks the same as the last time.

Master of Disguise

One time inspiration came wearing a plain white shirt, grey sweat pants and running shoes. He had an air of urgency about him. He grabbed my hand and sat me down to work, guiding me until I could catch my momentum. I got so engrossed that day that when the work was done and I looked up; he was gone.

Another time he found me frustrated and sweating and tired and at the end of my wits. He quietly sneaked behind me and silently whispered what I needed to do next. He was gone before I could thank him.

Just last week, he showed up drunk out of his mind and grinning. As usual he found me hunched over working. He gave me two thumbs up and staggered off into the distance, leaving me to tend to my affairs in peace.

You see, I have encountered inspiration many times. More times than I can count but never once did he hang up his coat, fold his sleeves and do my work. He has never once given instruction from beginning to end, holding my hand every step of the way.

I don’t think about him often any more. I have gotten used to his habit of showing up when he feels like and not really doing much. I do know, though, that his contribution counts for something in the grand scheme of things. I just know not to wait around for him but to allow him to come and go as he pleases.

 

The Big Omission in Having a Plan for Your Life Plan

You get tired of drifting through life aimlessly, and after some digging, you discover the big P; planning! You think if only you can come up with a plan everything falls into place. Your life suddenly has meaning, you finally discover your purpose and now you know the steps you have to take to achieve that goal you have set for yourself.

I cannot demerit having a plan for your life. It might be the single most important thing you do. Any successful person will tell you there is no substitute for setting a clear goal and writing down an actual plan to achieve it. My only issue is there is a lot ‘they’ don’t tell you about creating a plan; vital information that is omitted from this planning malarkey.

A Life without a Plan

I love analogies and for this piece, you are the captain, your life the ship and the goal the destination. Now imagine yourself as the captain in your crisp white suit complete with the peaked cap.

You make your way to the cockpit but there is one little problem…you have ADHD. As soon as you put your hands on the helm, you start to think maybe you aren’t cut out to be a ship captain after all. Maybe your true calling is to be a pilot, or even a washing machine salesman. If, by some miracle you do get out into the open water, you start to think that maybe Antigua isn’t where you should be headed. You heard the weather’s better in the Bahamas. You may even all together forget that you are the captain and fall asleep until you are jolted awake by the ghastly sound of crashing into a deserted island.

Life with a Plan

A life with a plan is very different. You are furnished with a destination, coordinates and whatever else captains need to get from point A to point B.

Yo no soy marinero, no soy capitán either.

So you have a clearly defined destination and you have a clue how to get there. The little omission is the plan doesn’t include what happens on the actual voyage.

Shorty after setting off on your adventure you discover that you can’t read a map. You stay quiet and don’t let the crew in on this little detail. Somehow you manage to figure that part out, adjust the course and finally start moving in the right direction.

Next, you hear rumors of a mutiny. The crew is unsettled. You find out that the crew was expecting a grand adventure but is now restless from too much sea and sky. You do your best to quell the unrest with promises of money and beautiful women when you get to port.

One day you get drunk with the crew and howl at the moon. Another day you are in the middle of a big storm that tests the limits of your courage. One clear night you get lost in the heavens, enchanted by the stars like you have never seen them before.

You may get homesick but you know you can not turn back; but even this fact doesn’t stop you from longing for the comfort of home. Other days you will be mesmerized by the dolphins and wales, putting on a big show just for you.

You see, a plan is simply what gets you to your destination and that’s all. You can never foresee or even prepare for what happens on the voyage. The most frustrating part is you don’t even know exactly how long the trip is going to take.

I do believe though, that when you finally dock at port, you will look back on the voyage with nostalgia. You will have a little spring in your step and stand a straighter because you survived it all and arrived at your destination in one piece.

Rock Bottom Isn’t Such a Scary Place After All

Rock bottom is a dreadful place. For some, it is flinching to the sound of prison gates closing behind you. For others, it’s waking up in a pool of your vomit, with a terrible hangover and a sinking feeling that you might have misplaced the past 10 or so years of your life.

Whatever that place looks like, it feels pretty much the same for anyone who’s been there. You can’t help but ask “How did I get here.” But the question is barely audible over the overwhelming sense that you might not be able to get out. You are overcome with a terrible feeling that you might have to call this place home forever.

Welcome to Fight Club

What is the first rule of rock bottom? Say it with me “You don’t talk about rock bottom”. How about the second rule? You get the point.

You are supposed to smile and say everything is ok. If someone asks how you are doing, ‘fine’, or some other version of it is the only acceptable answer.

Should you forget yourself for a moment and actually tell the truth, you get a complementary pat on the back and a half-hearted “light at the end of the tunnel” speech.

You see the thing about rock bottom; it isn’t a tunnel at all. You don’t even know where you are. Sometimes you are lucky and your inner compass tells you where you are. Thing is though, this information is useless.

Even if you figure out that you are trapped under and avalanche, you don’t know which way is up and which is down. You could start digging, but there is no guarantee that you are digging up towards the sun or embarking on an excursion to the core of the earth.

Should you find yourself in a cave, you don’t know which way leads out into the world, and which takes you further into the darkness. Sometimes you have accidentally wondered into the middle of the jungle and the trees get thicker and the canopy heavier with every step in any direction.

There is Hope Still

The thing about rock bottom is that it isn’t all bad. At least the free-fall is over. You are no longer bracing for impact. That rushing feeling of falling into the abyss is over. You have finally stopped falling and for once in a long time, you can catch your breath. The air is musty but at least you can finally breathe.

Another thing about rock bottom is you discover you are not made from glass. You fell hard but there are no broken bones. Your body is filled with scrapes and bruises but for the most part, you are intact.

Rock bottom also gives you perspective. You discover that you haven’t quite hit the bottom. You discover that you are on a ledge and the hole goes on and on into nothingness. You realize you could have fallen further but for now you are on solid ground. This means you can stand on your feet and come up with a plan to get back up.

You realize that rock bottom isn’t all that scary. Sure you are bruised and battered and crying and afraid but at least now you know what you are made of. You know how hard you can fall and still not break.

You don’t rush to get up.  You take your time to catch your breath and familiarize yourself with the surroundings. You sit up and check where it hurts. You take your time to patch up the injuries and sing softly to yourself. Finally, when you feel strong again, you start to look for the way up.

You are no stranger to looking for the way but this time it’s different. You are not desperately clawing your way to the top. This time, you climb slowly and carefully. This time you are not afraid of falling because you know you won’t break and you know you can always find your way back.